How not to make English Toffee, in thirteen easy steps.

Step One: Put two cups of butter, two cups of sugar, and a quarter teaspoon of salt into a medium saucepan. Turn heat between low and medium.

Step Two: Decide butter takes too long to melt. Go log in to Star Wars: The Old Republic.

Step Three: Wait until smoke alarm reminds you that you were making toffee.

Step Four: Run into kitchen muttering oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck. Cut the heat.

Step Five: Disable smoke alarm. Show no mercy.

Step Six: Take a moment to appreciate the aroma of slagged butter and sugar, and the thick plumes of smoke occupying the upper third of your kitchen. Then open all windows and turn on the fan.

Step Seven: Contemplate your bubbling pot of black tar. Realize you cannot pour it down the sink, because it will cool and everything will be awful. Realize you cannot let it sit in the pot because you will ruin the pot. Come to grips with the fact that you are not prepared.

Step Eight: Remember the silicone cookware your aunt gave you. Take back all the bad things you said about it. Pour the black bubbling demon blood into the silicone cookware.

Step Nine: Decide now is an appropriate time to return to SWTOR.

Step Ten: Return to the scene of the crime before bed. Attempt to replace the smoke detector. Realize you are no good at this. The smoke detector will confirm your ineptitude by beeping right in your ear, twice.

Step Eleven: The smoke detector will hang askew in its little cradle. Convince yourself this is fine and you totally did not break the smoke detector.

Step Twelve: Plop the now-hardened sugarslag in the trash. Marvel at your cleverness over using the silicone cookware. Realize it’s probably the only thing you’ve done correctly all night.

Step Thirteen: Turn of all lights, lock all doors, go to bed with a distant haunt of shame in your soul.